Too close...

"Don't get too close its dark inside,
                      its where my demons hide..."

                             Imagine Dragons "Demons"

One of the great themes throughout literature is formed in the conflict between light and dark. There is always at hand this eternal individual struggle between what we try to hide and those things that become exposed. A distorted dance. A dance between what we desire, what we know to be right, and the gap between. And so we find it easier to keep at a distance those around us. The irony that often the ones we love the most, we fear the most. The ones we want close are the ones we push away. We become those self-imprisoned. And we remain so as long as the darkness remains inside. We can flee, hide, distort, justify, and simply ignore those divisions within us. It is only when we no longer can control the darkness, when there is no more excuses, when it seems utterly uncontrollable that we turn to face ourselves.

And we struggle...

“I do not speak as I think, I do not think as I should, and so it all goes on in helpless darkness.” 
― Franz Kafka

We struggle and wrestle against this condemnation. We offer excuses to those that will listen, to those closest, and finally to ourselves. We minimize offering in exchange for the darkness all we see that is light within. We barter, exchange, promise, and plead. We bring up the of list of what is good. Or we simply promise to try and be better. Yet, in each instance we retreat just a little more. We retreat away from reality into a drama of our own making. A drama where we can control the ending, where it all works out, where we are the tragic hero who ultimately wins. But we find that drama keeps being interrupted, reality keeps breaking in...

“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” 
― Plato

Our fear of exposure continues to grow unrestrained until that day the light breaks in! One of the the most renowned stories of the Gospels is Jesus' encounter with the woman at the well in John 4. Although history does not record her name, she stands not as a hero who triumphs over her own darkness, but as one who found hope and joy in the midst of her darkness. Her encounter with Jesus was not comfortable, nor safe. She was confronted by her own darkness in the face of man who knew her intimately. Yet, he loved her...

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.” 
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

Our encounter with Christ is never comfortable or safe, he is not a man who is tolerant or compliant. He does not go along or get along, he is holy. A man who is also a holy God. We come as we are, as the woman did, we come with all of our darkness and demons hidden as best we can, but they cannot remain hidden. For he is light and in him is no darkness. We come as we are, but we cannot remain as we were.

“Two qualities are indispensable: first, an intellect that, even in the darkest hour, retains some glimmerings of the inner light which leads to truth; and second, the courage to follow this faint light wherever it may lead.” 
― Carl von Clausewitz

The Avenger Question

 In this classic american film (I do not mean classic as in its  quality, but classic in the sense that it lives up to almost every  stereotype of American ideology) a group of independent  seemingly broken super heroes overcome there many               issues and set aside their individualism just in time to rescue   the world from the plots of a demigod and his narcissistic      mercenary plans. The scene depicted in this clip reveals    much of the over the top tribute and almost blatant    glorification of American idealism present in much of the film,  however, the speech that Loki gives - the archenemy of  humanity in this film - moves beyond even its own narrative  structure and poses a greater question to all of us. 

  At first glance and under the first impression the speech    generates all of the emotion of being slapped in the face. As  humorous as the setting is, his words strike almost at a  visceral level, especially to Americans who have grown up  on the American ideals of freedom, individualism, and justice. This speech basically goes against everything that we as Americans believe and guilt our identity on. However, wrapped up, not so subtly, in this speech is the provocative claim that man was meant not for freedom, but for slavery. In fact not just were we made for slavery, but our hearts desire to be ruled, to be mastered. It is the claim that we cannot handle freedom and that for happiness and peace of mind we would, and in fact want to be ruled. 

Loki propose, "You were made to be ruled" and a old man stands and replies, "not by men like you"

Interestingly, the man does not dispute the claim that we were meant to be ruled. It strikes me as odd that instead of denying Loki's assertion, he in a way agrees replying simply that we will not be ruled by someone like Loki.  On the surface everything that is in me wants to deny Loki's claim, laugh it off as ridiculous, as something that's just in a movie but, behind his words there is more truth than I want to admit…

When I look within I do find a great desire to be free, but if I look closely, I find not just a desire to for freedom, but a willingness and surprising comfort with being ruled. In my case, like perhaps many of you, this is not about a man or government, but about the things that I desire most in the world. I do find it inherently insulting to be forced to serve another man, but what about all those things that I will willingly serve? What about all my "addictions" and "-isms"? Do I really desire freedom from all those things? Or do I willingly place myself at the least in indentured servitude and the worst slavery to the things in my life that promise to give what I want most? These are the hard questions that mostly I enjoy simply ignoring, but when another master comes and claims everything for himself all of a sudden those smaller "addictions" fight desperately and struggle all the more. We often discover our addictions only when we try and give them up. We slip into slavery, into "addictions" without even becoming aware of them until one comes whose claim is greater and demands we give them up. 

Loki relates to us a reality of our own hearts that is hard to hear. It is the reality that we do not do well when left alone. For we were not made to carry the burden of making up our own meaning, value, purpose and significance. In his speech, Loki insinuates because of the lure of  freedom we loose the joy of life in a "mad scramble for power and identity." It is when we are unsure of these things that we so easily slip into giving up our freedom to the first thing or idea or man or woman that offers us the hope of that discovery. And so we become "addicted". We are not tempted by obvious claims and even less subtle power plays that attempt to coerce us or manipulate our hearts. We are tempted by those things masked in goodness, those good things that offer ultimate things but cannot deliver. It's absurd! Crazy! But I find that my heart is willing and in fact desirous of giving itself to unworthy masters. The heart searches constantly to find those objects, causes, people, and ideals that will promise us meaning, value, purpose, significance, and power. Loki was right, freedom is too often to great a burden. In response we become "addicted" to work, to spouses, to children, to alcohol, drugs, power, wealth, fame and we become their loyal servants. 

Yet, in Galatians Paul writes, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." And in Romans he writes, "you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness?... 18 and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness."  Here is tension. Paul declares that we have been set free for freedom, but that that freedom comes at the cost of slavery to righteousness. What? The key is that we are not set free to abandon our created purpose, but to fulfill it. God's promise to us it not that we would be set free from him, but set free to worship him. We are free to return to him, to worship him, to again return to the freedom to do what we were created to do. We cannot be set free from the desire and need to worship, to have at our core the need for another to provide meaning and purpose, but we can be set free from the slavery of all other masters.  The truth is that we were made to be ruled, but not by man nor by own desires, but by the King of Kings. The King of Kings is the one who gave up his throne, gave up his power, his glory, and exchanged it for subservience and humility. The story of Christianity is the story of a God who became a slave in order to bring freedom. We worship, follow, and obey. We are the people with a King, a people who were created to be ruled. It is not an insult, but a privilege. For we share in the inheritance of the King. 

Sinner

Pecca Fortiter, sed fortius fide et gaude in Christ”

Sin boldly, but believe and rejoice in Christ even more boldly

- Luther 1521

Luther’s declaration is not one easily grasped. As followers of Christ we are often encouraged not to just flee from sin, but flee from the temptation to sin! We are called to pursue holiness and righteousness, to hate sin and to put to death our sinful desires.  So why would Luther write for us to sin boldly? Does he mean for us to abuse the grace given in the gospel? Would it not be much better to say as Paul does, “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?”^[1]  

Yet, I believe that Luther knew something deeply troubling within the human heart and perhaps knew it better than anyone else. Luther knew that the default of our hearts is to cover-up our sin, and what better way to cover it up than by acting as holy as possible. See for us Christians it is often not the visible sins that keep us from God, keep us from growing in our relationship with him and keep us from experiencing intimacy with the Father, but instead it is the ones we take great pains to hide. So often we believe that God is hidden from us, when in reality we have simply mastered hiding from him. Luther was not making an argument for the action of sin, but for the confession of sin. As one writer puts it, “Pecca fortiter is not a plan of action; it’s a script for a prayer of confession.”[2] Flannery O’Conner’s character Hazel Motes in her work Wise Blood puts it like this; “There was already a deep black wordless conviction in him that the way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin.” This comment often strikes deep within us. It calls us to question the very motivation of our hearts. Why are we trying to by holy? Why are we striving to avoid sin? Is it to please the Lord? Or is it because we desire to be justified before him on our own terms by our own efforts?

We are left in a world consumed by the need to be accepted. This is not new by any means, yet in this time we have more tools that are more powerful than any ever before to control who, what, when, and how people know us, keep up with us, and understand who we are. It is seemingly becoming easier and easier to manage our sin. We spend less and less time with those who know us the best and become comfortable with those who only know a doctored 2-D image and self-projection of our lives. We meet face to face and cannot enter into meaningful conversation, but instead share by declaration. We treat our conversations like it was another chance to “share” or “post”. When in truth we never intend to share, but only to declare. We do not open ourselves to meaningful dialogue, but hope simply that some one “likes” our declaration. We want to project ourselves, but not loose ourselves. We want to be known, but not rejected.

It is here that we find grace offensive. The grace of God does not come to us apart from judgment, rather it comes only on the heals of judgment. Grace is not grace apart from the judgment of the law, and that judgment is always offensive. Luther is also famous for coining the phrase simul iustus et peccator, or simultaneously sinner and justified. As followers of Christ we are always at the same time both a sinner and righteous. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “’sin boldly’ (is not) a fundamental acknowledgment of (a) disobedient life; it was the gospel of the grace of God before which we are always and in every circumstance sinners. Yet that grace seeks us and justifies us, sinners though we are.”[3] In coming to God, in coming to Christ, we are always reminded that if it is by grace that we are saved, kept, and restored then we must always remain before him a sinner. Yet, Christ as always has the final word, the word of grace, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” ^[4]

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^[1] ESV Ro 6:1–2.

[2]Fred Sanders -  http://www.patheos.com/blogs/scriptorium/2009/08/sin-boldly/

[3] Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. The Cost of Discipleship

^[4] ESV Mt 11:28.

Keep Calm and Remember

 It is said that a goldfish has only a three second memory. Whether is it is true or not I suppose only a goldfish would know…at least for a little while. Yet, what we do know is that we remember. We remember the good, the bad, the ugly, and sometimes even remember what we so desperately wished to forget. It is an odd thing, memory. At times it is a great comfort and other times it destroys our world. A sound, a sight, or smell can trigger an overwhelming sense of return. It is a return to the past in the midst of the present, and a return to a place that formed us. A return to the experiences, emotions, desires, pain, and wounds that shaped our identity.  Sometimes it embraces us like a friend and pulls us in, comforts us in our pain and gives us hope for the future. Yet, there are times it becomes our accuser, the prosecuting attorney from which there is no escape. So, perhaps for some of us a goldfish is not that bad off…perhaps ignorance is bliss or as Frederick Nietzsche wrote, “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.”

      However, without memory we are lost. We have no story to tell and no context for meaning in our lives. If we reject our memories whether good or bad, whether positive or negative, painful or healing, we reject ourselves. Our memory will often force us to face what we really are, and if we suppress or reject that reality we will live lives lost in chaos, and dysfunction. The more we suppress and reject the more those memories hold sway over us and shape our future. The problem for many of us is that the memories we wish to suppress are the very ones we were meant to face. And instead of bringing them into the light, they remain in darkness, granted power by our own attempts to forget. Now, the very memories and experiences we hoped so desperately to escape, to hide, and to reject begin to be our most powerful accusers who control our every movement. We become harried, stressed, controlling, and fearful. We seek for escape where there is none and in the end are stuck repeating the same errors again and again. And so perhaps like the goldfish it would simply be easier if we could just forget…

       Yet, the Scriptures constantly remind us to remember. It is as if in the act of remembrance we find our story intertwined with the divine narrative. The God of the Scriptures is a God revealed in history – a God who is known by a covenant name. Our narrative is transcended by a divine narration. In fact, it is through the Scriptures, through the revelation of a personal God, that we discover our selves and it is in the telling or remembering of that narrative within which we are made whole. It is as if God declares, remember who I am that you might remember who you are. It is in the Scriptures that we discover what to remember and what to forget. It is in the forgiveness, grace, redemption and reconciliation of God that the memory of our failure is transcended. We do not need a three second memory, what we desperately need is a memory redeemed. It is in the grace of the cross and the righteousness of Christ that transforms what we desire to forget into something to be remembered. We remember it as a part of our testimony. We are forgiven and are sins are no more. We remember our sin and brokenness that in forgiveness we might remember the goodness and glory of our Father and Savior. And so we are commanded to remember…to remember the greatness of our God and King who acted in history to rescue us from sin, darkness, and death. We are commanded to remember his love, mercy, kindness, forgiveness, and grace. We are commanded to remember his righteousness, his justice, and his holiness. We are called to remember him and forget ourselves. We are called to forget our sin, our idols, and our pride. Called to forget our despair, pain, and hopelessness. We are called to remember him. We are called to delight in him who calls us his own.

In the end we do not need short memories, but long ones. We need memories that recall in the darkest moments a King whose promise is to restore and redeem all that is broken. We need testimonies that recall the acts and salvation of our God. We need men and women who will remember when we cannot…We need to remember.

26 The afflicted shall eat and be satisfied;

      those who seek him shall praise the Lord!

      May your hearts live forever!

27 All the ends of the earth shall remember

      and turn to the Lord,

      and all the families of the nations

      shall worship before you.

28 For kingship belongs to the Lord,

      and he rules over the nations. ^[1]

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^[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton: Standard Bible Society, 2001), Ps 22:26–28.

The Colors of Fall

Forward

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Not unlike the image to the left, we often seem to find ourselves in the midst of a fog. Between the stresses of circumstances, the demands of family, work, bills, and the chaos of Murphy’s Law we cannot see much further than the end of our toes. And even they seem a bit murky and just a little out of focus; as for that next step, well it appears to disappear into the mists. Added to the fog is the reality that we never seem to be able to stroll pleasantly through the fog, but rather are forced to sprint head-on into the unknown. Yet, we face decisions daily that have grave consequences – for us and for those we love. How do we move forward…

Discovering a way forward…light in the darkness

One of the issues I find in my own life when I attempt to move forward is that I am trying to figure it all out myself. What I mean is this; it is incredibly difficult to figure out what needs to happen when I am caught up in my own opinions and convictions. There is no mediating voice if it is only me. I used to like the analogy of needing a mirror, something that can reflect back to us what is really real – not just the way we feel or think. However, even this is not enough, for it is still us that are looking into the mirror and we are still seeing with same set of eyes, the same set up categories, experiences etc…What we need is a conversation partner.

 

We do not need a yes man or women, we need someone who knows more than we do, communicates better than we do, understands us better than we do, and loves us enough to intervene, gently, in our lives. The easiest analogy is often the role parents were meant to play. Yet, even they are not enough. They too are merely human. They, like ourselves, our caught up in their own stories, struggle with sin, and are            shaped by their past and their experience. What we desperately desire is transcendence; someone who is able to be above it all, to see clearly, to know what is right and true even prophetic. We also need someone who is with us. Someone who can empathize with our pain, understand our temptations and struggles, and cares deeply about our soul. We need a divine conversation partner, who is also one of us. A partner who is us. We need the transcendent to become immanent. It is the testimony of the Scriptures to reveal such a man. “In the Word became flesh and dwelt among us”, (John 1:14) and we enter into the conversation, the dialogue, as the power of the Holy Spirit speaks in and through the Scriptures. But more than that Jesus did not leave us alone, but gave us the Church – namely that community that is meant to put flesh and blood to the good news of the gospel and minister in His name. The community called into existence by the Holy Spirit, led by Christ, and where his presence dwells.

It is in this community that a way forward takes on a practical and tangible reality. Jesus calls us out of our isolation and independence into the life-giving interdependence of a community created by him, for him, and maintained in him. He continues to be our conversation partner, our “true mirror” as we interact in this community, hear the Word preached, partake in the sacraments, and submit to his authority. The way forward is a way revealed by faith and worked out in community.

Melody and I have once again discovered our desperate need for Christ and his community. As we have continued to pray and look for a church home I am continually struck at the significance of the investment many of you have had and continue to have in my life. We cannot overestimate the eternal significance of those we meet who are willing and called to walk beside us in this life. We are not just friends, we are brothers and sisters in the Lord and we are co-heirs together with Him.

²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

Faith & Fear...the rubber and the road

“…but also in the heart of a father’s affection, to charge and exhort them to remember “that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom^[1]”’

I do not remember clearly the day that I first heard or read the Scripture passage quoted above. Yet, I remember two things as if they were yesterday. The first, is as a child reading 1 Samuel 3 and the account of Solomon’s request for wisdom above all the other things in this world, and the second, finding in my earthly father a pattern to follow. Faith has been described in many ways. We often throw “faith” and “believe” around as if all it takes to solve the pain, hurt, and frustration in life is to close our eyes, bury our heads, hearts, and minds and expect it all to be okay. As many of us know and have experienced life is more precious, pain more intense, and life more complicated than for blanket platitudes. The God we serve is too real for that…

Intrinsically we understand fear, frustration, and pain.  It is not something we must be taught or learn in a classroom. In moments of fear we often encounter for a brief moment the fragility and brevity of life. Suddenly, life becomes more real, perhaps, even more true. Yet, fear can also paralyze and even incapacitate us. Fear exists when the circumstances of life run head-on into our inadequacies. When life spirals out of control, when things seem to fall apart all around us, when everything we do seems ineffective and doomed to failure, and when everyone seems to know right where we are inadequate, then fear is unavoidable. How then do we move when faced with our fears? The question is not how to ignore, avoid, or even how to move in spite of our fears. The question is how do we move into and through those fears. 

So why faith? How is faith not simply another mental exercise to avoid the problems we face? Or not simply positive thinking? What is so different about our faith? I always believed faith and fear were opposites.  Yet, God is teaching me that biblically it is not faith or fear; it is who you fear most and who you have faith in. If your faith is only in yourself then you have every right to fear. We are small creatures tossed to and fro on the winds and waves of life. There hardly ever appears anything about our lives that if shaken cannot be moved. Yet, we are continually told that if you believe in yourself you can and will succeed. In fact, this faith in the individual’s significance, power and control happens to be an essential part of being an American. There is no other doctrine that has been promulgated so deep and wide. This core belief penetrates even the most remote area’s of our hearts and souls. We are taught to perform, to overcome. Obstacles simply make us stronger, more independent. We fight, and die believing and having faith in ourselves. When fear comes, when the doubt slips in, when we are terrified the solution is simple – just believe in yourself. Yet, there appears nothing within me that bears this confidence. The empirical logic all around me screams the opposite. I am not that strong, I am not that smart, I am not that athletic. I don’t look like a celebrity. In fact our entire cultural seems hell-bent on proving that although I am not enough I certainly must believe I am. In other words, the game seems to be keeping me thinking that if I just tried a little harder, bought a few more things, worked a little more, made just a little bit more than it could be mine. Yet, the simple truth remains – I am afraid, because I know my own inadequacies.

These past few weeks have been some of the most fearful of my life. I would not say I fear many things, but I do fear failure. I fear failure in the eyes of my wife, my family, and perhaps most importantly failing in my own eyes. There has been no doubt in my mind that I am called to be at Gordon-Conwell and to pursue my theological education. I have no doubt that God has promised to meet the needs of those he has loved and called according to his purpose. Yet, there is a difference between believing those two statements individually, and experiencing them. Rubber meets the road…

“The Lord is my light and my salvation;

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life;

of whom shall I be afraid?” ^[2]

The faith we have requires us to face our inadequacies and fears head on. It cannot be nor cannot remain a mental exercise removed from the harsh realities of life. For if our faith remains in our own strength and abilities, our fear only grows. Yet, the promise of God is that if we remain in Him, our faith will grow and our fears be removed. Raising support is a true test for Melody and I. It requires that we trust in the promises of God more than we trust in our own abilities. It means we take him at his word, that he will never leave us nor forsake us. And we wait, pray, watch, and rejoice.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you^[3]

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^[1] William J. Federer, Great Quotations: A Collection of Passages, Phrases, and Quotations Influencing Early and Modern World History Referenced According to Their Sources in Literature, Memoirs, Letters, Governmental Documents, Speeches, Charters, Court Decisions and Constitutions (St. Louis, MO: AmeriSearch, 2001).

^[2] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton: Standard Bible Society, 2001), Ps 27:1.

^[3] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version (Wheaton: Standard Bible Society, 2001), Mt 6:30–33.